Wow...this year!

I thought I would do so great as a blogger...so many thoughts in my head, so many adventures to write about!  And then I go and get all busy and shit, and months and months fly by.  Well, I guess that pretty much sums me up.  I choose being busy over sitting down with my thoughts!  I do want to try to get back into this though.  So a greatest hits follows.

What has happened lately?

Vacations.  It has been a year of travel.  Las Vegas, Oregon Coast, Portland multiple times, Maui, Hood Canal, San Juan Islands, Mt Rainier, Sunriver and Bend, Oregon Coast again....plus a few weekends away for races in Vancouver, La Conner (well, this weekend is La Conner) and more.  So many trips that it takes a while to actually recall where we went!  If the kids EVER complain that they have a rough life and never get to do anything, I will kick their tiny little butts!!!!  They went on almost all of these trips.  4 out of 5 of the summer trips were just me and the boys, meeting up with other moms and kids along the way.

House.  We wanted so badly to buy that house.  But they came to us with a price that was just too much, it would have made us house poor.  I love the freedom we have right now (see "vacations" above) and would hate to give it all up just to have a bigger house.  I am sad because I loved it.  But trying to make our current house better by upgrading a lot of things.  We put in a fire pit, which has been so much fun.  We redid all of the bathroom flooring, which made a huge difference.  A new furnace is being installed next week.  The deck has been redone (by me!) and looks amazing.  We had a new driveway put in.  So these things just help a bit.  There are other projects lined up, and slowly but surely they will get done.  I want to get rid of the carpets.  I need to paint our bedroom (we did buy a new, lovely head and footboard).  I need to empty our "guest/computer" room and make it into a bedroom for one of the boys.  They aren't ready to split up yet but I see the time drawing closer and want to be prepared.  I am going to have the house looked at to see what sort of addition we could do that would be functional and look good. I have resigned myself to staying here in this town for the time being, as much as I want to live elsewhere, the kids are happy here and it is safe and easy, so that is just the way it is.

Boobs.  Finally, finally, finally insurance approved my breast reduction.  November 5 will be the day.  6-8 weeks of recovery time...but then a lifetime without the pain, I cannot wait!  Well, I can wait, as I was scheduled for Sept 20 and changed it so that I could enjoy the fall!  But yes, it is a go.  I am not sure how to explain it to the boys...I may seek out help on the interwebs for that one.  They both really love the soft comfort that my current chest provides.  Hmmm.

School.  It began again this week.  Phew.  Love the routine.

Letter to the editor!

I have never done this before, but something hit a chord and I wrote and submitted the following to Runner's World:

Dear Runner’s World:
 I have never written to a publication before, however, I was touched by Ted Spiker’s article “True to Size” about being a larger runner in a smaller runner’s world.  I am not short, light or lithe gal….yet I compete (and sometimes podium) against people much, much smaller than me….it’s those times when I see pictures of myself next to my group of friends**, in which I look like a giant, that I am often stunned by my own size, and yet encouraged by my ability.  My tagline has for years been “I’m faster than I look” and I don’t think there is any way for me to ever change what nature has given me—height, muscular legs, large breasts and a love of competition.  I try to be a good role model for people who are not “typical” runners, always encouraging friends to just start and see how it goes…hopefully one day they too will discover that it is not the size or speed that matters, but the love of the sport.  When people first meet me, they often assume I am running to lose weight, until they get a glimpse of my leg muscles and realize I am in it to win it!

(We shall see what they have to say....I sent in some fun pictures to enhance my statement.)

Making a note of it....

My schedule makes me a bit crazy, as I have mentioned...but I am noting today that I have been on the verge of tears off and on for no good reason....hormones?  Kid home with aches and pains so I can't do what i want?  Sunny day and lack of motivation?  Too much to do so that it is overwhelming?  Too much coffee?  Too much drinking?  Bad eating habits?  Negative self talk?  Reading too many blogs about sad things?

Likely all of the above.

That said, just making a note of it so that someday I can look back and see that I survived, things are ok, and that it was just a phase.

Call me Scrooge, Call me Grinch....

As soon as October is over, the insanity begins....well, I should rewind that.  It actually begins in October with a ton of birthdays and anniversaries.  I sort of lucked out this year (if you can call being flat out from an accident lucking out) by not being expected to do a damn thing for anybody's celebration. Except Spencer, and I threw him the awesomest of parties ever in the entire world.  Thank you, painkillers.  And friends. (In case you are wondering, I am off painkillers!!  It's been weeks and weeks, so don't worry.)

OK, so November is here--halfway over, geez!  Backstory----I have a million zillion relatives who all live in the greater Puget Sound area.  Everyone wants to see us for every occasion and I am sick of the expectation and the struggles....every year I try to put boundaries and limits on our time, but there's always the exception to the rule.  And now I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner here at my house due to feeling both guilty and martyrish.  I wanted so badly to spend the time up at the cabin....but it got rented out and so we are here.  And we have to decorate for Christmas, too...I am so not ready, I swear I haven't put everything away from last year.  Where did the year go?  (Besides in the toilet!)

House update:  I am waffling waffling waffling on whether to buy it and have tight finances or to stay here and have plenty of money.  It's tough.  Ask me another time and I am certain we are moving.  Can't figure this out.  I think the fact that I cannot decide is a good thing to pay attention to.  I know my pattern is to feel unhappy and trapped and to make a drastic, life altering decision.....trying to keep that in mind as we figure this out so that we do what is best for the FAMILY not just for ME.  Stay tuned.

Breast update:  appeal was denied.  Apparently I am just not a candidate, but I have a chance to appeal again, so I guess I will since I have gone this far.  I will send in the gorey post-race pix I have taken, get my therapists to write more letters, and see what happens.  I guess I can just pay for it myself, that is always an option, I must remember that....just because insurance says I am not really in need doesn't mean they are correct.....so...stay tuned.

Future award winning author plans:  The idea for a book just popped into my head.  It will be amazing, incredible, loosely based on my life but with a lot of extra sexy stuff thrown in.  I am sort of excited by the prospect of writing it.  I think I can wrestle some of my demons in the process.  Of course there is the fear that everything I say will be too much for those who know and love me to accept, especially things that are based on truth.  I guess I will write for a while and see how it feels, how it looks.  It may just end up being blogs.  And for my readers (HAHAHAHA) you will be the winners.

Got asked on a date recently.  That was interesting.  (I said no.)

I have been running a bit, ran a 5k (in costume) with a 9 minute pace, not too bad for not trying too hard.  Chiropractor then popped my ankle a couple of days later and now I fear I cannot run, because it has irrtated all of the trauma from a couple of years ago when I hurt my achilles (and I have some anger at the chiropractor that I am trying to hide when I see her, is that the right thing to do or do I just stop all treatment and just heal?)....I am plummeting into depression about my body and it's lack of being able to do anything.....hopefully between the stress of Christmas and the stress of healing I will survive.  I really want to end 2012 on a good note, as it's been such a bad year overall......but this body of mine is troubling me in a bad way.  I have to go to hand therapy, too, for my stupid finger.  So chiropractor, physical therapy, massage therapy and hand therapy...that is my new life.  Sigh.  Feeling sorry for myself today...hopefully I will snap out of it soon.

H-e-a-l-i-n-g . . . . . .

S-l-o-w-l-y             r-e-t-u-r-n-i-n-g         t-o             r-e-a-l           l-i-f-e

Tomorrow is three weeks since the accident.  After about 12 really really bad days, I started to feel better....every day has been just a bit easier. I am in chiropractic treatment and physical therapy all the time....and it is helping!  I can sit up, I can reach, I can walk.  I still can't close my  hand all the way nor can I sleep comfortably....but this too shall pass.

Oh, and as part of my therapy, I got a tattoo!  On my right bicep.  The tattoo is about 3" x 3"!

I am in LOVE with it.  It was a gift for my 11th wedding anniversary, and it was exactly what I needed to start having positive feelings about biking because even after all of the crashing, it is what I love and I WILL BE BACK!!! I am sad that I am missing cyclocross season...but have also been so crazy busy with soccer that I am not sure how to fit it in, I will have to figure that out ahead of time for next year!





And there's the issue of the breast reduction:

I was denied, as expected.  With help from the most incredible nurse at the surgeon's office, I wrote my appeal letter and it goes in the post tomorrow, so hopefully within a month I will have my surgery scheduled...I was expecting to be denied, as that is how they do things normally with pre-approval of a cosmetic-type procedure.  So we shall see.  The waiting game is on.  I must say, though, that my letter is very compelling.  They would be such assholes to deny me.

What else is going on?  Oh yeah, we want to buy a new house.
We are awaiting the purchase price because it isn't on the market.  And if it is in our range, we will go for it!  This week my bathrooms are all getting new tile floors and there are a few other projects getting done by a handyman (step-brother) so that we can try to sell it soon, I hope.  We just need to purge all the crap which is really hard when you cannot use your arms or hands....but as I am healing, I can do more.....stay tuned.

My baby turned 7 a couple of weeks
ago.  I threw him the most amazing party.
It was a FOOD FIGHT.  Seriously incredible fun.
I will get the link on here to the video my sister made.
Despite being just over a week after the accident, I
managed to pull it together.  No idea how that happened! 
My friends pitched in big-time and it was GREAT!

VIDEO is here: 

Oops, I did it again....

I just can't get though October without incident.  I totally cursed myself by saying I had not made it through an October in the past few years without incurring an injury, usually from trail running.  I figure since I had my bike crash, that statistically I am free from crashing for a few more years. Unfortunately that proved itself to be a falsity.

Once again, a lovely day with my lovely friends on my lovely bike.  A split second changed the course of my October (and unfortunately the next few months).  The last thought I had was "why do pedestrians step out thinking bikes can stop quickly??"  And the next thing I remember I was on the ground, unable to breathe, in terrible pain.  My last crash was in super-slow-motion.  This one was so fast!  Apparently I managed to get my gloved finger stuck in my brake (dislocating and breaking the finger, of course---likely hand surgery in my future).  Then I flew over the handlebars landing full force on my left shoulder (but hey, I removed that pesky mole without help from a dermatologist).  I am so thankful that Chrissie was there, as her ER nursing skills quickly reassured me that I hadn't broken my neck, as I had feeling and movement in my extremeties.  But pain, I was a 10/10 for sure.  All of my bones are broken.

Cue the ambulance.  My first time on a backboard in an emergency vehicle.  The guys had me take a picture of my finger, which was pointing in a direction that nature definitely did not intend.  Later a couple of numbing shots and it was popped back into place for the time being.  Never did my finger hurt.  Nor did my ear, which needed a couple of stitches and was all scraped up--the helmet totally saved my life--I hit the ground so hard.  I had a slight concussion, nothing too bad.  One of the guys lived in my neighborhood, had kids around the same age as mine at a different school.  I wonder if I have permanently damaged myself this time.

At the hospital, I was lifted from the board to a bed and whisked into xray.  By whisked, I mean I laid there waiting for quite a while.  One of the nurses realized that the bike clothes I had on were expensive, and managed to get all of my clothes removed without scissors.  Hurray for full zip jerseys!  They did have to cut off my Moving Comfort Juno sports bra, as it is nearly impossible to get off on a normal day, in fact, I have often considered cutting it off when I have had a particularly long wrestle with it.  No big deal.  They left my "DIVA" socks on so my feet didn't get cold.  I have never been in so much pain.

Somehow Kris finished biking and got to a store and to my hospital room before anyone else showed up, and still I am baffled at how she did that!  And thankful. I needed reassurance that I would be ok.  Plus, she brought chocolate that I ate as soon as I was cleared to consume anything (many hours later).  Barbie showed up next, and eventually Jay and the kids came.  I am damaging my kids by letting them see me in this condition.

When they took me to xray, the lady pushing the bed crashed into a wall.  That hurt very badly.  Remember, despite some morphine I am at a 10/10 with my pain.  Then they had to lift me to another bed.  Then roll me and stick a wedge under my spine.  It was awful.  But necesssary because contrary to my belief that I had broken all my bones, the only break was my finger and possibly my ribs which they couldn't tell from the angle of the xray, and I will be damned if I go back in there again!  Please remove this cervical collar, it is cutting into the back of my head!

Things get a bit fuzzy here.  I was in awful pain and they wanted to discharge me as soon as they could.  I was unable to move an inch!  I could not sit up and in fact just about killed the doctor when he grabbed me and pulled me to a seated position.  But I had to pee.  And the bathroom was WAYOVERTHERE!  By now it was just Jay and I in the room, and he was to assist me in getting dressed and out the door. Um, I cannot move at all!  But somehow I got to the bathroom, and passed out on the way back to the bed.  I had never had this much pain, not even in the throes of unmedicated labor.  I am not kidding.  I asked for more morphine and eventually Jay got a tshirt and some hospital pants on me.  Then they put me in a wheelchair and sent Jay for the car.  I cannot move, I am dying of pain, and you are sending me HOME?????

I had a cup of ice water, as I had barely eaten or drank since 630 that morning before the ride.  The nurse was wheeling me to the exit when the walls started closing in.  I awoke in someone's office, drenched in sweat--it was pouring off of me like I was in hot yoga.  Apparently my blood pressure had dropped and I passed out, spilling water and turning white.  So back to the room I went until I could sit up for longer.  I had a couple more episodes of fainting, but a few crackers and a juice and they called me good to go.  So to the car we went.  I cannot believe I have to go home like this!!!

Home.  Holy crap, I was a wreck.  I have basically been propped in a chair sitting against ice packs, drugged up against pain 24/7.  Finally I am starting to feel better but there are things that are impossible, like laying down comfortably.  I also get the spins whenever I lay down, it is not pleasant.  And sitting up from laying down is the absolute worst.  However, bit by bit, I am coming back to life. I still am in horrible pain, but am able to walk a bit with friends.  I can eat, unfortunately, and so  many friends brought food and cookies--gotta get back to my paleo eating asap!  I drove for the first time yesterday, and did not crash.  I am throwing a birthday party today---although not quite sure how I will manage that, hoping a few friends show up to assist. I could not get through this without my amazing friends, wow.  Hey, I can shower and get dressed now, and make coffee...and obviously despite the big splint on my finger, I can type.  I've been barely parenting...somehow the kids get to school and back, and to soccer, and all that fun stuff without giving me too much grief.  I still wonder if they will remember this when they are older, the time I got really hurt.  Will they forgive me?  Will I?  How do I get back on my bike again???  To be continued....

Smaller tatas part 1

Year:  1979  Ten-year-old me suddenly sprouts to adult height and has a C cup in fifth grade.  Yeah, that was fun.

Year:  1991.  Underwent the full prep for a breast reduction surgery, even had the surgery scheduled.  Went in for a final appointment and had another look at the surgeon's before and after book.  Decided that I wasn't really a fan of the after shots of many of the boobs.  Cancelled surgery.  Plus, I thought maybe I'd someday have kids (although it was a very distant thought at this point) and maybe I would breastfeed them.

Year:  2003  Baby 1 born, nursed 2.5 years and in early 2005 got pregnant again.

Year:  2005  Baby 2 born, nursed 2.5 years.

Year:  2008  Visit to plastic surgeon about a breast reduction, having lost 50 pounds and started being really active with running, triathlons etc.  Insurance denied it based on my BMI (the BMI formula does not account for frame size or muscle, so according to them I was just an obese person seeking a boob job).  Despite appeal, I was denied.  That particular insurance, United Healthcare, is apparently notorious for rejecting breast reduction surgery claims.  So, I put my plan on the back burner until better health care came along.

Year:  2012  After routine mammogram (all clear!) I saw the surgeon again today.  She didn't remember me right away, but after we talked for a few minutes she did, as we have a mutual friend who actually referred me to her.  Her assistant remembered me right away because of my eyes, which happens a lot.  I digress.

Today's appointment was different than four years ago.  I've dropped more weight and look smaller overall, I think, which helps my case.  I am still scale-heavy and there are still the charts that insurance uses to determine if it is medically necessary.  But she said something to me that made me start crying right there in her office, naked from the waist up.  "You have no idea how much better your life will be after this surgery."  She said I was a great candidate and after a round of the horrifying standagainstthebluewallateveryangle photos, she said she was off to write a very compelling letter to the insurance company on my behalf.  So, with that, in four to six weeks I will find out whether they approve or deny my reduction....and if they deny, the assistant is going to help me write a letter to start an appeal process that will hopefully work.  It's a scary thought to undergo major surgery, but I have so much discomfort, and lately I am getting open wounds and scars almost every time I run, that I want to be done with this and feel good about my body for once.  I know that the surgery scars may be bad...but emotionally I am so beaten down from dealing with this for my entire life that I need to do this to move forward for myself.  I told the assistant that I know it is a first world problem, and that I am so fortunate that I am not there having a consult about a mastectomy or something.  But the pain I have dealt with since my early development at the age of ten has been increasingly terrible, and finally I feel like I am on the right track.  The surgeon said she'd done hundreds of reductions since I was last in, and was excited that she could make me so much more comfortable and happy.  She was truly excited to share her plan with me.  I just want to cry and cry about this, happy tears....it's so hard to talk about.  Everyone has always focused on me and my breasts, I know that's how I am described "you know, the one with the huge tits" has been said a zillion times....all my flat chested friends always joke that they want me to share mine with them....oh, I wish I could.  I can only imagine a world where I can run in one bra, find bras to wear that aren't $80 and look like granny bras, where I can lay flat on my stomach in yoga or do the plow without suffocating myself with my breasts, where shirts will always button....I am so hopeful.      Let's hope I have good news to report about this before too long......